His Point of View

Maybe its just me….But I do not think its a good idea to encourage the person you are dating to remain sexually active with other people until such time that you are ready to bring sexual activity into your relationship.

Recently I had a conversation with a young lady who told me that she hopes that the men she dates are still having sex with other women because that takes the stress out of their dating situation.   Her reasoning was that if the man is getting satisfied somewhere else then he would not pressure her into taking their relationship to the bedroom/shower/backseat/etc./etc./etc…  I must add that she did not specifically say that she would encourage a man she was dating to be with other women… but she did say that she hopes the the man she dates is still having sex with someone else until they become intimate.

The first thing I told her was that this line of thinking is a huge mistake.  It’s my opinion that if people are sexually active immediately prior to the beginning of a relationship then it is more likely that they will not cleanly break off those relationships and they will still be seeing those other folks for a period of time even after your relationship with them has gone sexual.

The second thing I told her was that men don’t work like that.  Because we had sex with a woman yesterday(or this morning), does not mean that we do not want to have sex with you right now…

The third thing I told her was that if you are having sex with other people while seriously dating one person who you are not having sex with, you are stealing from your relationship.  Sex can builds certain emotional attachments,  and it can strengthen relationships. If you are dating and being romantic with person “A” but having sex with person “B” then you are doing two things; you are creating or strengthening certain bonds with person B that should be reserved for person A, and you are cheapening the whole idea of removing sex from the dating process.  A part of the idea of not having sex while dating is a sacrifice, you are giving up physical satisfaction in an attempt to allow yourself to see and feel emotions untainted by the haze which sex can create.

My example to her was this:
How would you feel if you went out on a date with a guy, and after the date he went home and called another chick over to have sex? She said that that was not acceptable to her (the act of calling another chick to have sex, immediately after a date with her…) My response was, that’s exactly what would happen in this situation and eventually you may run the risk of him dropping you to be with one of the chicks he is getting action from. And even if he does not leave you for one of those chicks you run the risk of creating conflict caused by feeling used, if you are having sex with other men.  I don’t know too many men(none actually) who would appreciatepaying for dinners and dates(etc.), so that ole girl can go have sex with another dude.  And on another note, if a person is being sexually satisfied somewhere else then they may end up caring less about having sex with you when the opportunity arises.  If you are 100% satisfied then you may not even recognize the fact that your date has not given you any action for months, and the idea of dating without sex has been nullified.

If you are dating one person and you are hoping that you can build a solid foundation with this person, and you feel that sexual relations will prevent a solid foundation I don’t think you should have sex with anyone at all until you are ready to enjoy the experience with the person you are dating. I do not see how can having sex with other people whom you have no intention of being committed to help at all. It can only make things more complicated in the long run. (not to mention the complications if a child or STD is the result of any activities during this critical transition period from the old partner(s) to the new partner).

I am not at all saying that people should automatically have sex with people they date, and I would never encourage one to have sex with anybody if they are not ready to take the relationship to that level.  But I am saying this… if you are more than casually dating a person, then having sex with others will lead to trouble in most cases.

Well, is it just me or do any of you agree?
Do you think that having sex with other people removes the sexual tension in a relationship that is just blossoming? Or is this a recipe for disaster?