His Point of View

Last night the straw finally broke this Camel’s back when I read the article below about Helena Andrews.  I am glad to see a young lady write a book which had its rights quickly purchased to make a screenplay.  I wish her the best… but I can’t take this anymore.  I am absolutely tired of young African American women claiming that there are no good, single educated young men available for them to settle down with.  At some point you have to take a look at yourself and figure out what you are doing wrong…I know, I know… its not your fault… its everybody else in the world. Oh, and I know… I know… I am trying to flip it around and make it the woman’s fault that she can’t find a man Everybody knows that it could not possibly anything that we are doing wrong to cause our miserable state of existence, right?

I am a 29 year old, heterosexual,(single )African American man.  I can tell you that its not easy to find an educated, well rounded, kind-hearted, African American woman who takes care of her body(yes I went there, I am not one who buys into this whole idea of “thick” women being ideal, you have to be able to keep up with me or you will get left behind).  To be honest many of these women who think they have their act together are walking train wrecks and we (educated, successful young men) don’t want to deal with their baggage.  Now you don’t hear 1000 bloggers or talk shows related to this topic because we don’t sit around and whine about it.  If you don’t like your situation make some changes to your program and keep tweaking it until you find the right formula.  Before you make “that” comment let me say two things;  Thing I want to say number one,  I know I am not perfect… Thing I want to say number two, I am not complaining about being single… as far as I am concerned that’s just the way it is until such time that my status changes.

I have a ton of respectable, college educated/post graduate degree having male friends who are on a path to success, and guess what many of them are  single.  Another little secret…most of them are ready and wanting to settle down with THE RIGHT WOMAN, get married and start a family.  I emphasize the these words because it has been said that a man will not hesitate to commit to THE RIGHT WOMAN.  Every good woman is not The Right Woman for every good man. There is a bit of trial and error in the dating process.  I have found that women tend to take being rejected by a man who they are attracted to much more personally than men, perhaps this is a source of much of this frustration.  Men, for the most part get the bad news and go the the bar to have some drinks and we keep it moving. From my experience a lot of women just can’t fathom the idea that a man she wants does not want her.

Sometime in the not so distant past many of these women bought into the idea that intelligent men are intimidated by a successful woman, that’s bologna.  I want nothing more than to date a woman who is on a path to success.  I spend time and money to surround myself with successful people, because I know that you become who you associate yourself with.  The problem in a relationship comes when a “successful” woman thinks a man is intimidated by her,  that’s when things get misinterpreted. When the only tool you have is a hammer everything is a nail, meaning that every relationship problem gets blamed on the assumption that the man is intimidated by the woman’s success.  Then we get into this whole fallacy of a woman letting her man be a man.  That idea is laughable.  A male is either a man, or not… there is nothing a woman can do to negate a real man’s manhood.   If you find yourself “letting a man be a man” you either never had a man to begin with, or you are misinterpreting the situation.

I have been a resident of the DC metro area for 16 months now, and I must say that the idea of success is a big deal on the dating scene around here.  Some ladies who I am sure felt that they were the catch of the day simply did not measure up in my book.  A young lady’s looks, money, career, or accomplishments are not what keeps a man interested.  You have to have substance when all those things are removed.  If I go out with one more woman who can’t stop talking about her job I might scream.  I think some of these ladies have let their accomplishments encroach into their definition of themselves.  I understand that working hard and struggling to achieve certain things has an affect on a person, but when it comes to dating you have to shed all of that and get to know each other.

In the article Helena is quoted as  saying that many black women wear a mask of bitchiness, especially in the workplace… Why is this supposedly false persona of being a bitch necessary? (How am I, as a man supposed to know if you are really a “bitch” or just playing the role at certain times?) How does being a “bitch help to make your life any easier?  Do you think a man wants that in a woman?  Even if you are not a “bitch” toward me, if I see you acting in that manner I would likely not consider getting to know you on a personal level.  Helena was quoted as saying that black men can’t deal with certain types of “strong”, “opinionated”, “can-do” black women.  In many of these cases a man will chose not to deal with some of the characteristics of these so called “strong” women.  No smart man wants to associate himself with a woman who appears to be a headache in heels.  Again this falls into the category of evaluating what you are doing wrong, and making changes.

Another thing that disturbed me about this article is the portion where she describes a need for a “winter boo”, which is a man good enough to date in the winter but the woman drops like a hot potato in the spring, so that she can be free to mingle.  I am a believer in Karma, if you use men for your pleasure and comfort you should not expect to have an easy time finding true love.  (The same thing goes for men who lie to & use women for sex) How can a person who laments about being single, use men who are showing a true interest in them?  If you are not interested in being serious with a person you have a responsibility to make that fact clear to them, otherwise you deserve all the heartache and loneliness that the world serves you.

If you keep a person around simply because you don’t want to be alone, or because you want to have someone to cuddle up with when it cold outside, you are selling yourself short.  I firmly believe that if you are wasting someone’s time in such a manner you are missing opportunities to meet a person you really are compatible with. How you ask???  If you were to ask I would say that all those nights you spend cuddled up with a dude you really are not feeling a connection with you might have gone out or been involved in some activity, or maybe you would have been invited somewhere that you could have bumped into the person you really could have connected with.  But since you chose to waste someone’s time you may have missed that chance and you will continue to be lonely.

In my opinion its better to be alone & open to any opportunity which might arise, than it is to deal with someone you know that you are not satisfied with.  Don’t play with people’s emotions if for no other reason than, you are doing unto others as you would never want done to you.

One statement she made that I agree with is that ‘people need to figure out what they want to do… ‘that goes for men and women as far as I am concerned.