His Point of View

Below you will find a reader’s email message and my response.  Please note that my response if just my opinion, I am not in any way a certified counseling professional.

“I enjoy reading your article.
I am currently dating a separated man who’s in the process of a divorce. (his wife filed) He has been separated from his wife for 10 months and we’ve been dating for 4 months. They both have a 5 year old they share custody with. I live 2 hours away and we see each other once a week. i do the driving to come see him mainly because i have family in his town and so i split my time between my family and him. The problem that i have is that sometimes his wife calls him at the last minute to watch their daughter and our date plans are cancelled. Because of this we either don’t see each other for weeks at a time or every once in a while i will go to his place and spend a few minutes with him and his daughter-we usually watch a disney movie. However, he is careful to not show me any affection when we are in front of his daughter. i understand, but when 1-2 weeks goes by without any type of affection or intimacy, it can be a bit frustrating-plus we only talk on the phone once a week. i mainly do the calling and he’s great with calling me back, but when i don’t call him, i usually dont hear from him. we’ve talked about it but he said there is not much he can do about it and that his daughter is his 1st priority-which i understand 100%. i have never been married nor have any children but would like to in the future,. he is a nice guy and a great father. i really like him, but am i wasting my time dating him? what are your thoughts on my situation? thanks”

I first thank you for reading my blog…

Now about this relationship situation.  Things are often very rough and unfamiliar with both parties after a break-up, especially if it was a significant relationship and children are involved.  I assume that your man friend and his ex were together for nearly 5 years if not longer.  I would bet that their relationship is not really “over” if you came into the picture six months after their break up. From my observations people’s emotions tend to fluctuate during the first 6-9 months after the termination of a lengthy relationship.  I have seen many people work things out after a separation of 2, 3, or 6 months and continue on as if nothing had happened.  It is very likely that his ex is still not yet comfortable with the idea of him becoming serious with another woman. If you are the first woman that the ex feels he is serious about she could be feeling a bit of jealousy, especially if she is not in a positive relationship.  And there is a possibility that during your time out of town one or both of the parties involved are making a move to get the other back, or at least one party may think there is hope.  Basically its going to be terribly difficult until both parties know for sure that their relationship is completely over. People are territorial, and she could be flexing what power she has (babysitting) in order to ruin his chances of getting with the next woman.  You never mentioned why she has to suddenly have him watch their child when you are in town so i don’t know if its a legitimate reason or if she is going out with her girlfriends on those nights. The only thing you can do is address the issue with your guy and give him some time (not much time) to work his plan.  If your man does not take action, then that’s all you should need to know…  But at the same time I will backtrack and say that if it was a particularly hard break up you may need to help your man figure out how to make your relationship work, I know from personal experience that after a break up from a long relationship it takes a while to adjust to single life.  My personal view (and what I chose to do) was to exclude myself from dating at all until I was 100% ready and completely sure I was over the ex.  Now it is too late for that in your case, but a step you can take before completely cutting ole boy off is stepping back and giving him time to work through things alone… if your relationship is meant to be he will work through things and get back to you better than ever. If he decided to go in a different direction when you step back then once again, what is meant to be will happen. The reality is that if you are only 6 months in, you have not wasted much time or energy if it does not work out.  Communication is key. Communicate every feeling you have about the situation in a calm and non-confrontational manner and then let the chips fall where they may.

You did say a few things that threw me for a loop though.  What type of relationship are you in if you can accept a lack of communication for weeks at a time, on top of a lack of physical contact when you do see your man?  What is this guy doing that is so important that he can’t ever call you?  Again, I say open two way communication is key.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to evaluate your relationship and decide if its as good as you may think.  This is an easy out for you if you think through your feelings and determine that this is not the type of relationship that makes you happy.

If you and your man are serious I think that you should be able to hug or kiss in front of the 5 year old after dating for 6 months.  The fact that he does not allow contact when his daughter is around leads me to believe that either he is being overly protective… or more likely he is trying to work out things with is ex (if he hasn’t already) and he doesn’t want his daughter to see him kissing his friend/cousin/sister/aunt/neighbor/ or what ever he told her you are.   But… at the same time, there is a fog that clouds the mind after a breakup, so perhaps he thinks its best that his daughter never see him touch a woman other than her mother, my response to that is that over time he will come to his senses and realize that he is taking things too far…(especially when he finds out that the mother is already living with another dude, and damn near engaged…LoL). Over time and maybe after a few failed relationships he will find an equilibrium.

What does all this mean?  Well it means that you are in a tough spot.  You are dealing with a man who is either confused and not yet adjusted to life after his long term (failed) relationship, or you are dealing with a dude who is using you to fill in the gaps until he gets back with his ex.  All I can say is that you have all the evidence before your eyes… evaluate it with your mind(not the emotions attached with dating for 6 months), and take appropriate action.

The answer to your last question is that unfortunately you won’t know if you are wasting your time, until the time has been wasted.  The only way to mitigate the risk of wasting time is to communicate openly now, and evaluate in the near term what happens.  If you see satisfactory progress you are free to determine how long to keep chugging along.  If you see stagnation then you should keep moving immediately.  The excuse that “my child comes first” is not acceptable in this situation where you are not asking him to not spend time with his child, and you are not distracting him from his child during scheduled visitation.  If he pays child support then she needs to spend some of that money on child care instead of taking his time… if he is trying to keep her happy so that she does not file for child support he is making the wrong move, because he can’t walk on eggshells forever and when she does file she will get a couple of years of back support anyway, so he is going to pay in time now and in money down the road.   Not that spending time with your child is ever a bad thing, but some parents use that “time with your child” as a weapon to punish and exercise power over their ex.

I wish you the best of luck,

The floor is open to other reader’s input.