His Point of View

It was said that we all want love.  I think that is an accurate statement whether we will admit it or not.  We all want certain things out of life, including love.  How much are we willing to give or give up in order to get the love we want?  Most people are content with the way they live their life, although we may have unhealthy habits or we may not be rich we all like to do what we want to do, when we want to do it within the limits of our resources.  The idea of being in love is this phantom that we all chase at some point in our lives and we all have either ruined an opportunity to have love or we have been the victim of someone who ruined the opportunity to receive our love.   It seems that although we all want to be loved many of us are not willing to give up the things that are detrimental to a loving relationship or we are unwilling to do things that will strengthen a loving relationship.  Why? Because it means we can no longer do whatever we want to do, much less do those things when we want to.  Many want the benefits of receiving love and being in a relationship without having the desire to make sacrifices and practicing the discipline necessary to give up those things that we enjoy doing that are not suitable for sustaining a relationship(I won’t get into describing what those things are because we all pretty much know what those things are, its not astrophysics we are discussing here).

I have not heard of any relationship where either one, or both parties have not had to change or grow in order for the relationship to last.  In a healthy relationship both parties should grow & change for the better.  Unless one dates a doormat, we must all expect that during a relationship both parties will have to do some self evaluation and make some decisions on what each party is willing to do differently and/or stop doing in order to grow the love between the pair.   Love is not free, at a bare minimum the price is self reflection, the willingness to consider the feelings of another, and a determination to make personal changes for the betterment of the relationship.  If you are not willing to reflect on your dark side, and honestly look in the mirror and see what your faults are and decide to change those things you are not yet willing to do what it takes to make a loving relationship work.  If you are not ready to give up the bad & become open to doing things that are not primarily in your best interest; but in the best interest of your relationship and/or your partner you are not ready to participate in a loving relationship.  If you are not ready to give up the: lifestyle of a single person, self-centered behaviors, and generally anything that would cause damage to a relationship you can’t realistically believe that you are worthy of the love of someone who is willing to be dedicated to you.  Just because you can get away with inappropriate behaviors for a while does not mean that you are making the right decisions for the long term growth of your relationship.  At some point things will come crashing down and you will have no one to blame but yourself, although you will try to blame everyone else.

I read a quote this morning that said something to the effect of ” you know its love when you are willing to do more for the other person than you are willing to do for yourself.”  That statement is a good starting point in my mind, if you are willing to go farther for that other person than you generally are willing to go for yourself that’s a very good sign that you are at least in the correct mindset to have a successful relationship.  That shows that you are no longer primarily self -centered.  The other half of the equation is cutting out the things that you can get away with, but that you know are wrong… before you get caught.  If one loves their mate they would not like to see them hurt physically or emotionally and if we are able to stop doing things that we know would hurt our mate its our responsibility to end those activities as soon as possible before damage is done.

Giving up the single life means ending all these actions that single people do that we would not tell our mate about, or do in front of our mate.  Its almost like there are three entities involved the two humans who say they love each other and the relationship is its own entity.  There has to be respect between the two people involved and there must be respect for the relationship.  Although you can love and respect your mate, you can be disrespectful to the relationship and that can be just as deadly to the survival of the relationship as being disrespectful to your mate can be.  Doing or saying things that can cause doubt in the mind of others about the status of your relationship or acting in a manner that indicates that you are not in a relationship can often be just as damaging as cheating or any other action that can lead to the termination of a relationship. If we decide to be in a committed relationship we should be happy and we should be proud to say that we are in a relationship and we should be proud to carry ourselves in a manner consistent with being emotionally attached to someone.  If we do anything else we are at a minimum disrespecting the relationship and we are most likely disrespecting our mate by default.

I could not have said it better myself http://thenakedwar.wordpress.com/2012/03/27/sucker-punched-33/

Yesterday I broke up with a lady who I had a loooot of good times with.  The first 24 hours was a breeze because it was sooo clear that she had wronged me, that she had disrespected me, that she had insulted my intelligence.   Yes all of that is true but as I was fully aware when I called it off, that blues of being apart has started to set in.  Even though I know that my reasons for breaking things off were and still are the right decision for my future, its sad to know that the good times will be no more (at least with her).  Its clear to me how people end up sticking it out with people who have obviously done them wrong, as it seems that during times like these you second guess your decision and try to figure out if what happened was “really that bad.”  I can say that it takes a good deal of will power or in some cases (continue reading…)

I am a single guy, but I have a number of married friends near my age and I realized that a lot of them don’t really much about their married life, more specifically how they feel about being married. We all know the most popular (stereotypical) complaints about what married men don’t like and its usually that the woman changed (and/or wants him to change), she provides less sex, she nags about too many things, she let herself go physically, etc… but there has to be more to getting married than that. I mean come on guys tell the whole story, how do you feel about being married?

First thing’s first  let us know your age, her age, how long you were together before getting married, and how long you have been married, then share your story.

How does it make you feel to say that you have a wife?

How has having a wife changed your life?

How has having a wife made you a better man(if you think it has)?

Has being married made your life better or worse overall? and why?

What would you do differently if you could?

What is the part of married life that makes you smile when you are all alone thinking about your lifestyle now?

Would you remarry the same woman again if you could go back to when you were single, knowing what you know now? If not would you get married ever again period?

Don’t be limited by my questions I share with myself and all the other people here who can learn from what you are going through. There are the obvious questions that I avoided such as ” did you marry her because she was pregnant?” because I think those types of questions might not get a truthful answer due to fear that she might come across this article…LoL

I ask that you all really forward the link to this article and post it on your Facebook page, re-tweet it, I want a large audience to reply and to read this one.  I have never asked this before but I think we can all learn something if the response to this one is good. Ladies, if this goes over well of course I’ll give you a chance to share your stories as well, just stay tuned.

Married Men, click reply below or reply using Disqus… everybody else forward this link to any married men willing to share their story, good or bad:   http://wp.me/pwPxW-xy

How many of you parents out there who are married or in a relationship with someone other than your child’s other parent are still having sexual relations with your child’s other parent?  Due to recent conversations it has become apparent to me that a lot of folks think that having a child together means you have certain privileges for the rest of your lives no matter if you marry someone else or not.  (Of course if you don’t please tell us about your “friend” who does…lol)

A few years ago, when I was a bit younger, a bit less mature, a bit less give a fu*kish… my father asked what business I had goin to nightclubs if I was in a relationship. I gave the typical response, which was something to the effect of, I like to have fun with my friends…or I like to hear good music. On the surface those things were true, and I never went out with the purpose of trying to find another woman to be “entertained” by. But there were times that I did not stop the train when it was set in motion by a nice looking young lady. And that is exactly my dad’s point, even if you are not trying to cheat, surrounding yourself with the opportunity to cheat is not a good idea, at all. He went on to say specifically that clubs are for single people and people who are otherwise looking for some type of action.  I can now say that I pretty much agree.  Why go into a candy store if you are on a diabetic? You are better off avoiding the temptation all together.

So far this year (its currently only day 5 of 2012) I have been a party in two discussions about how to make a relationship work.   Its pretty simple… communicate effectively, and compromise.  A relationship is nothing more than a description of how multiple people interact with each other. For a relationship to exist long term and to grow stronger all parties must give and take.

With regard to healthy romantic relationships, no one person should be doing significantly more taking than the other.  Each person can give in their own way, but it should be in a way that adds value to the other person’s life.  If one person gives and feels that they are not being taken care of they will become unhappy, and that will lead to any number of dysfunctional actions.    Often people feel as if they are giving a lot, while their mate does not agree, because what is being given is not seen as valuable by the person receiving.  We should learn what things we can do to add value and or comfort to our mate’s life so that we can show them that we are considering their feelings in a way that they will recognize.   Along those lines each party has a duty to (continue reading…)

Today I came across an interesting article that supports my side of a recent conversation I had with a female friend [click the link to see the article]-> blogs.ajc.com. I’m pretty sure you have heard the saying “Happy wife, happy marriage”… but what about the husband’s happiness??? Well according to the article referenced above you ladies need to be more concerned with your husband’s happiness…LoL Apparently there was a study performed ( by Kristina Dzara at Southern Illinois University) which states the following: (continue reading…)

Below you will find a reader’s email message and my response.  Please note that my response if just my opinion, I am not in any way a certified counseling professional.

“I enjoy reading your article.
I am currently dating a separated man who’s in the process of a divorce. (his wife filed) He has been separated from his wife for 10 months and we’ve been dating for 4 months. They both have a 5 year old they share custody with. I live 2 hours away and we see each other once a week. i do the driving to come see him mainly because i have family in his town and so i split my time between my family and him. The problem that i have is that sometimes his wife calls him at the last minute to watch their daughter and our date plans are cancelled. Because of this we either don’t see each other for weeks at a time or every once in a while i will go to his place and spend a few minutes with him and his daughter-we usually watch a disney movie. However, he is careful to not show me any affection when we are in front of his daughter. i understand, but when 1-2 weeks goes by without any type of affection or intimacy, it can be a bit frustrating-plus we only talk on the phone once a week. i mainly do the calling and he’s great with calling me back, but when i don’t call him, i usually dont hear from him. we’ve talked about it but he said there is not much he can do about it and that his daughter is his 1st priority-which i understand 100%. i have never been married nor have any children but would like to in the future,. he is a nice guy and a great father. i really like him, but am i wasting my time dating him? what are your thoughts on my situation? thanks”

I first thank you for reading my blog…

Now about this relationship situation.  (continue reading…)

I have been on a number of dates with a variety of women. I have noticed that there are a few things that any woman, no matter how intelligent, beautiful, or sexy can do that will completely remove her from the list of contenders. One of the biggest turn offs for many men is a woman who focuses on what she doesn’t want or what she doesn’t do. There is a difference in being open and being unreasonable. Telling a man the list of things you are not willing to do is not attractive. If you don’t cook, don’t clean, don’t do laundry, don’t perform oral sex, or don’t do dishes that’s all fine and dandy, but I am almost certain that you would get much farther if you simply kept all of that to yourself. If you are communicating effectively there will be ample time to communicate your desires and your dislikes through a thing called conversation. There will also be plenty of time to observe the actions of the person you are dating, these observations will either tell you all you need to know, or provide the trigger for the necessary focused questions. There is rarely ever a reason to announce what one will or won’t do, the saying “actions speak louder than words” is the truth. In other words; don’t talk about it, be about it.

When I hear a woman run down the list of what she is not willing to do only a couple things come to mind. Thought #1 (continue reading…)